So much food this weekend- cant wait to get back to work tomorrow

today is one of those days where i feel like i can get better. where i feel like i can trust my instincts and eat like a normal person.

idk

All ive eaten so far today is 4 sour patch kids...
hmm.
my friend is coming over now to hang out and shes soooo tinnnnyyy but she eats so much! im so jealous.
tomorrow im going to a "rave"!!! (: i look gross and fat in my outfit but its only motivation to stop eating.

3 1/2 day weeekennnddd
3 cheers for da freakin weekend

that is all <3

its good to be back!!

gah its been too long!! i need to get back onto here. so bad. im so fat.

after i left here ( :( ) i started a twitter (follow me!!: SkinnyMinnee ) and ive just become so increasingly obbsessed with food and weight and calories and all that.

i long to feel empty, but binge all the time.
i long to be bones, but i succumb to the hunger..

but its time to regain control. get my life back into order and get skinny and fit and toned! i need to be perfect for next summer. ill post my intake every day again. :) im excited to start doing this again- ive missed it but i didnt realize it until now. hahah.

so how is everyone??????

~baby steps~

(intake was horrendous today- will start tomorrow)

im so terribly alone, wallowing in my own misery
its like if i lose the weight ill solve the mystery
like ill finally be happy, be free
from all this insanity
but im only digging myself in deeper
letting this voice be the speaker
letting it overcome my soul, my temple
letting her decide what i eat
how i think, how i speak

Had a weird dream-
Me my sister my mom and aunt were in the supermarket shopping & then it had a food court section like a mall. I thought to myself 'fuck it I'm gonna get a huge plate of Chinese food and have a binge' sadly. And then we got in line and the cash register person was this really skinny (anorexic) girl I know in real life. And that stopped me and I went and sat down at a table and waited for the rest of my family to come eat their food.

follow me on twitter: lilllllyybearrr

i post a lot more there lately

~~~binging days

11-21-11

I feel so weak

When I eat

I feel so weak

When I bite

I feel so weak

But I cant stop the cycle

I feel so weak

But I binge and I binge

I feel so weak

But I eat until there’s nothing left.

Nothing left—

And my stomach aches with fullness

And I long to be empty

Like the new morn

And wallow in my thoughts

And dance on the edges of my bones.

But that I did days before

Has just been undone

In mere seconds

Because I’ve eaten my weight

In candies and chips

And unnecessary tastes

That I don’t need on my plate.

But my out-of-mind state continues to fools me

And I munch until I’m sick

And stripped of my desire

And all my work becomes dust

And my loss becomes gain

And my effort becomes mist

And I’m left to begin again.

Why do I lack the precious self control?

The will to say ‘no thank you’

In the face of a sweet

Or a meat or a snack.

How do I gain the precious self control?

The force to be strict

In the face of temptation

Or a growling stomach.

-Lilly