The day before yesterday, I slept at my friends house and they had so much food- and a crap load of ice cream. I lost myself and ate a fuck ton of food{{munchies}}. God, did I pay for that the next day. Not only did I look like shit, I felt like shit. I forgot how shitty you feel the next day after eating too much. I had a literal stomach ache.
Then yesterday, I went to the mall with my other friend and we shopped for like 5 hours. He got Taco Bell (ew), and I just got a large diet coke. So far so good. But then he was like "why aren't you eating? want some taco bell?" ...And I had 3 bites of a bean, rice, and cheese burrito, and I split potatoes with cheese on them with him. So many carbs! I felt gross after that and I didn't eat dinner yesterday; I told my mom I had a salad at the mall, but later snacked on some peanuts.
This morning I had a Morning Star Sesame Chicken thing (vegetarian), and it was 310 calories! I looked at the label with my mom next to me, and she was like "OH let me make that for you!" and I just said okay. And I ate it all while watching the True Blood (love that show) I missed on Sunday. I just shoved it into my mouth and looked down and it was finished. I didn't have to eat that. Then my mom decided we'd go run errands. So me, her, and E. went to this bathing suit store, and Target for school supplies. The bathing suit store was HORRIBLE. Ugh. First of all, why are the employees at those types of stores always so annoying? They just bother you and hover and be like "NEED TO SWAP SIZES? HOWS EVERYTHING IN THERE?" and I'm always tempted to just scream "can you leave me the fuck alone?" because I always get so fed up and sad when I'm in a changing room. Second of all, my boobs are too big for life. So i have to get like XL bathing suit tops! My mom's really annoying about it too. As I was in the changing room trying on the bathing suits, I started crying because of how fat I am, and how disgusting I looked. I was standing there in a bathing suit that wasn't mine, and that I wasn't planning on buying, crying. I was thinking "i just want to be pretty" and "how could i let it come to this?". It's such a terrible feeling when you look in the mirror and all you see is fat. I realized today how fat I actually am- how I need to stop eating as much as I am now, and try to eat less and less every day, until I'm skinny. Until I'm pretty. Until I'm happy. My self confidence is below the floor, so there's no where to go but up.
I walked out of the changing room, and of course the annoying fucking sales lady was like "how was everything? find anything?!!??!?!?!" and I just said "no" and thrusted my bathing suits at her (was that too bitchy? i was in a really bad mood..). Then I just said to my mom, "I'm waiting outside." so I went outside and sat there until they came out.
From there we went to Target. I was in a really bad mood and I didn't talk on the way there. I got some school supplies and i also got...a scale! Finally! I haven't set it up yet, and quite frankly I don't want too because I'm scared to see my weight. I'm already feeling pretty shitty about myself today, and I think that would just be the worst thing for me to do right now.
I can't wait until school starts and I can join the gym and get my flab under control!
"No matter how life is today, there's just one thing that I got to say, I won't let another moment slip away."
~baby steps~
Intake:
Lunch-
(bleh) Morning Star Sesame Chicken and Noodle thing: 310 cals
Dinner-
veggie burger (hopefully half or 3/4s of it if i can swing it): 70 cals
It WILL be better tomorrow.
Shitty food ---> Better food. [ We're All In Transition. ]
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