When All I Want Is To Be Skinny, But All I Am Is Fat.

^This image is a snapshot of the post "Le Update" by

A Will Is The Way (http://awillistheway.blogspot.com/). Hope she doesn't mind, I was just so inspired by what she wrote here.

Before I ever started this blog, I had a journal, which I still keep. I'm gonna post a few of the entries that are written, from various dates and times:

7/17/11 2:00AM:

'I've been on a diet for like a couple weeks now- don't see a difference (still fat) but people have been telling me I look good (embarrassing and lies). Anyway, I just ate a granola bar that I shouldn't have. I just. Did. It's so bad! WHY? I immediately felt guilty, bloated and fat. Every time I get the urge to splurge (binge), I need to look at pictures of skinny people and try to stay focused.

Working on my self control, Lilly.'

7/19/11 2:50 AM:

'I feel so stuck and so blocked. Like I'm doing the same thing over and over again and can't move forward.

Lost, Lilly.'

7/23/11 2:00 AM:

'I've been eating too much. I keep cheating and it has to stop. I feel terrible about it afterwards but before, it seems like it's all I want. How do I stop it? How do I stop the eating? How do i stop the hunger? When all I want is to be skinny, but all I am is fat. I want people to like me, accept me, want to talk to me, and people like skinny. Wh

o goes, "look at that chubby girl, she's hot." No one, because I'm not hot. I'm pitiful, shameful, embarrassing, disgusting, and anyone who tells me differently is crazy.

Stop the hunger, Lilly.'

8/25/11 1:45 AM:

'I've been up and down and down and up. I've started a blog online and I'm determined to follow this through and produce my own happiness. No more of this waiting around, putting it off bullshit. REAL action from this day forth. I will NOT let food and hunger rule me any longer. I will rule them. I'm the master of my body- I have the control. I CAN so this. Please just let it get easier and easier as time goes on, not harder.

Please give me the strength to succeed in all I do. -Lilly.'

~baby steps~