Check this song out: 90210 by Wale
"she barely eats at all, if she do she eat light"
What are other songs like that? Lemme know!
Here's what I look like right now:
"These calories are, are killing me"
9-15-11 2:00 PM, History Class
I guess it started with this morning. Instead of drinking all my tea, I only drank 1/4th of it. That's only 8 calories instead of the usual 32 it gives me to stand until lunch. I had my plan- and evidently plans never work out the way you want them too. I had my granola bar that was going to be my lunch, and I was intent on it. It was going fine- I was hungrier than normal because of the little amount of tea I drank. Every time my stomach grumbled (quite loudly & promptly), I silently told it to shut up. I had double bio today, and we were doing out first real lab of the year. Half way through, my stomach stopped grumbling, but started hurting. So empty it was aching. The next minute I got extremely dizzy and light headed. My head was spacious and spinning, and I couldn't hear my teachers instructions. Slowly, black dots started to creep into my vision. Every time I blinked they would come in a little farther. I tried squeezing my eyes shut, like I've done before when I got the black dots, but it was never like this. I got really scared, and just willed them to go away so I could return to my lab table. They disappeared, leaving me unknowingly gripping onto my lab table. Immediately after that, I went to my backpack, and got my granola bar designated originally for "lunch". I went and ate it in the bathroom. Even when I stepped out of the stall I felt spacey, scared, and weak. I couldn't help but stare at my reflection in the school mirror, and put myself down for eating. For feeling weak. For letting myself down by letting that happen. My sane side said, "I never want that to happen again. That was terrifying. Don't let that happen again. Nourish yourself." Needless to say, I felt like shit the rest of the day. It took at least 15 minutes after I ate for the nausea to go away, and the sugar and carbs (bleh) to sink in. At lunch, I was so scared about it happening twice in one day, so I, sadly, bought lunch. I don't know how many calories it was yet, but there were tator tots in there, so I know I'll be fucking miserable. I can't let myself eat like that, or 160 lbs. will become 165, 170...200...and that is unacceptable. Un-fucking-acceptable. ; Intake will be horrendous. -Lilly Ps- Instead, 160..155..140...130..........can't it just go down for once?
In my history notebook. And the rest of the day sucked and I ate too much.
Intake for Thursday, 9-15-11:
Calories:
Breakfast- Tea&Milk:8 cals
Lunch- Granola Bar:90 cals; Chicken Patty:226 cals; Popcorn:60 cals; Tator Tots:150 cals
Dinner- Rice Cake:45 cals; Veggie Burger:70 cals; Baby Carrots:23 cals
Excersize:
Walking,35min:139 cals burnt
Treadmill,30min:236 cals burnt
Net: 297 cals
<<<I FUCKING SUCK>>>
Yesterday was a crazy day. I went to school, got home, got picked up from a friend, chilled at another friends house with them, came home, went to the mall, came home with other people and chilled in the hot tub. Put like that it doesn't sound that crazy, but it was crazy fun!
Here's what I wore:
The only thing worth reporting to you guys is some of the mall trip.
I went with O and our friend Paige (yea, our friends overlap sometimes, its weird). While O was buying something, Paige told me that O thinks I'm bulimic. That O confided in her, "Lilly doesn't eat. If she does, I think she throws it up." Paige just kind of threw it on me. I wasn't expecting it at all. She said it very nonchalantly, so I gave a similar answer. I didn't want to talk about it! I was just like, "that's not true..why would she think that..?" and Paige was like "I dont know, especially with M...like obviously you eat..." (was she calling me fat? i thought so). I was really freaked out after that. Paige bought chinese food, and O and I were just sitting there. She kept looking at me, so I got a fork and ate some. I just wanted to shut her mind up honestly. When I got up to throw my soda out, apparently she said to Paige, "make sure she doesn't go to the bathroom."
Intake for Friday, 9-16-11: (ugh)
Calories:
Breakfast- Almonds:34 cals
Lunch- Popcorn:60 cals; Granola Bar:90 cals
Dinner- Honey Chicken:35 cals; Bourbon Chicken:22 cals; Mac N Cheese:25 cals (all at the mall of Paige's food tray...i didn't eat that much of each thing but obviously the cals fucking add up)
Snack- Pizza,Chicken Parm:190 cals (my other friends ordered pizza in my hot tub. no control.)
Exercise: (pathetic)
Walking,50 min:178 cals burnt
Net: 279 cals
I'm going to a concert tonight. Please don't let me pass out, but please don't let me eat either.
~baby steps~
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