Reflection~

What a day.
First of all, I ate too much, like always. On the bus this morning, my friend brought 6 waffles and gave me one. She used to do this last year, when I wasn't trying not to eat stuff like that. So I took the waffle, and broke off 1/4 of it. I ate that slowly, folded the last 3/4's of it, and stuffed it in the bus seat. I tried to skip lunch at school for the first time, and I failed. Hopefully the part where I start being successful starts soon.
The day wasn't very eventful, but it was emotional.
I went to school, which was boring, and I was very tired. I came home and went to the gym, which made me even more tired. I'm exhausted.
It's my step dads birthday today, so that means: a gourmet dinner and birthday cake. My mom made delicious Eggplant Parmesan, and I without a doubt feel guilty about eating as much as I did. At least I didn't touch the steak or the corn. ...or the cake. Not even a bite, not even a lick.
When I declined the offer, my grandmother being the person she is, gave me a high five. Ali was over for the occasion and she said, "No, you're having cake!" and I said, "no, i'm not." and she said, "come on, live a little." and then to my grandmother she said, "why is her not having cake high five worthy?" and my grandmother said, "because she's dieting."
When Ali walked past me she said, quite loud, "i think you're perfect." which got me emotionally flustered after the whole thing, so I got up from the table and went to the bathroom. I sat in the dark on the floor clutching my knees crying. I was thinking about how I'm the opposite of perfect. I was thinking about how that was embarrassing. I was thinking I don't deserve any of that. When I got up and turned the light on I just looked at my reflection for a while. Looking back at me was a fat, ugly, worthless, disgusting girl who hates herself. That's what I am. Fat.
Fat.
Fat.
I walked out of the bathroom and my mom came out from the kitchen and gave me a hug. When Ali came out, my mom went back in. Ali just hugged me and said, "it's okay, i know, it's okay" over and over again and I started crying on her shoulder. She doesn't know how much that helped me. She compliments me when I know I don't deserve it. She then said, "I don't think your grandmother means it in a way of calling you fat, just that kind of food is very tempting, and I think she admires you for it." Although that's probably not true, it was sweet.
When she left, she texted me and said, "God made you to be you- not to accommodate people's snarky opinions. I'm worried about you, you lost a lot of weight. I hope it's all the right way." I have lost nothing. In my eyes, I look the same as I did before. I look fatter. I look revolting. Unworthy. When I look at myself, I see someone who has a long way to go.

So fuck you cake, I'm stronger than you.

I must keep myself inspired, motivated, and strong.

Oh please, let me keep this mindset. Let me win. Let me be happy. Please.

~baby steps~

Intake:
Calories:
Breakfast- 1/4th Waffle:26 cals
Lunch- Almonds:21 cals; Smart Food Popcorn:60 cals
Dinner- Eggplant Parmesan:170 cals
Snack- Peach:20 cals; Rice Cake:45 cals
Exercise:
Walking,35min:139 cals burnt
Elliptical,20 min:171 cals burnt
Net: 71

I've been so exhausted lately, I'm giving myself tomorrow off from the gym. It's okay to have positive calories once in a while. ..........right?