3:30 PM-after school
I hate myself, I hate myself. I hate myself.
I tried so hard today to have a nice first day of school. Nothing I ever do works.
I struggle with some depression; it kind of runs in my family. But I get it in seasons, kind of. Well the only time I don't feel it as much is in the summer when I don't have to go to school surrounded by people I hate. But it's like as soon as I start school, I get upset and sad again straight away. I tried so hard today to just be nice to the people I loathe (because their annoying, arrogant, self obsessed, etc.) but I failed. I failed. And I don't even like the people that are my "friends." I try to be nice to them. But deep down I just want to rip their faces off and insert some sense of the world into them.
From first impressions, most of my teachers seem boring, strict, mean, and unhelpful. I'm doubling up on math because my dad wants me too, and one of my math teachers is terrible. It seems impossible for me right now to do good in that class. I rely a lot on the niceness and support of my teachers to explain things to me when I don't get them, but I seriously doubt this teacher would do that. I'm really scared I'm gonna fail the class, even when I didn't have to take it in the first place. My classes are weirdly scheduled, so I'm running back and forth around the school all day. From the farthest corner on one end to the whole other side.
I walked into school this morning with a pleasant attitude, and this girl that I knew from last year even exclaimed, "Lilly! You look SO good!" I was wearing a dress, and I neverrrr used to wear dresses or show my arms at all, because I'm so self conscious. I stepped out of my comfort zone. But as the day continued, I felt fatter and fatter and it got hotter and hotter. We have no air conditioning, so the school gets very stuffy and cramped. Also, none of my "friends" or people I know are in any of my classes. I'm alone! I'm very bad at meeting people and starting up conversations, so I'm very scared for this year. I guess I'm embracing another year of loneliness and being by myself.
I feel the depression seeping back into my bones. I felt it as I left 13th period and headed to my bus. I felt it creeping up when I sat down in my seat, and put in my headphones to drown out the noise of my immature peers. Yesterday, I was game for trying. For putting on a brave face and heading into sophomore year. Today, I want to give up. I don't want to go through this year.
When I got off the bus just now, I walked as slow as I could to my house. O was walking in front of me. I think she had a good day. I hope she has a good year. She's been doing so well with her social life, while I slowly lose mine. I'm disappointed in myself. Every summer my mindset is awesome. That I'm gonna have a great year and make lots of friends and be happy. And every first day of school I lose that mindset and revert right back in to the depths of this sadness. Now I'm sitting in my room tearing up because I don't have the will to try anymore. I just don't want too. What's the point. Anyway, I was walking slowly to my house. In my mind I was telling myself that when I walked through the door I had to put a smile on my face. Tell everyone my day was fine; a normal first day of school. M was in the garage taking out the trash when I walked up. She said, "You have to tell me: what's the conclusion? How was your day?" and I said, "Oh, it was fine." I guess she'd noticed that I was walking to the house very slow with my head down. She said, "Are you okay?" and I just said, "yeah" and walked into the garage to get a caffeinated diet coke. I sighed and said, "okay" to myself, because it was time to paste a smile on my face. As I walked in she said, "Are you lying to me?" and I said, "ahhh" and closed the door. When I walked into the kitchen, my mom asked me how it went. I said that it went fine, but not with enough enthusiasm. I just couldn't muster it. She said, "was it good to see everyone?" and I said, "No. I don't care about any of them. They're all annoying." My mom often tells me to stop generalizing like this and find the good ones out of the bunch, but I don't want too. That's too many assholes I have to go through before I get to the okay ones. I'm not doing that for them. I can't. My mom knew I was upset because I was acting like it, so I said, "It's like as soon as school starts I get upset again." and then went upstairs.
I wish friends could come easily to me. I wish I could be normal and happy and enjoy being with people during the school year. But I retreat into myself and don't want to see or talk or do anything with anyone.
I'm getting re-dressed to go get school supplies and then go to the gym. I thought it was a half day today, so I didn't bring lunch. My friend gave me these like, gingerbread cookies, and I ate them (ugh).......but I just told my mom that my friend gave me half her sandwich so I don't have to eat now, until dinner hopefully. I'll update this post later with my intake and all that.
6:00 PM-at the gym
I can see how people like excersizing, now. I didn’t understand it before, but now since I’m trying to do it on a daily basis, I’m starting to get it. I feel so clean and light when I get off the elliptical knowing that I burned off as many calories as I’ve eaten for the day. It’s like an escape. You can relax for however long you want. Working out, you’re in a room full of strangers, all with their head phones in. It’s a time for serious, real, self reflection. You can let your anger, or resentment out. You can dig inside yourself deep, while your feet are moving and burning unwanted calories (: I hope my liking for it grows. Hopefully excersizing grows on me even more as I progress in exploring it, so I can withstand longer. Hopefully I wont become lazy with school and get fatter. It would be terrible for me to gain weight- school is enough of a stress for me at the moment. I need to LOSE, not gain. Maybe excersizing can balance out the shittiness of school. Right now I am sitting on the floor of the gym, beat after 30 minutes of the elliptical (hopefully my tolerance and all that will get stronger and build). I’m so tired. I might do 20 minutes on the stationary bike, and catch up on blog posts I haven’t read. Then head over to the restaurant across the way and try to get something healthy, opposed to the 500 calorie (I just found out) Caesar salad that my friend bought for me yesterday. I wonder if they even have anything remotely healthy… we’ll see…
7:40PM-home from gym
I’m sitting on my floor with books, paper, pencils, textbooks, and all that shit surrounding me. I’m organizing my school supplies. I have NO TIME during the day to go to my locker, which sucks, so I have to carry it all around. Someone shoot me. It’s going to suck ):. It surprised me how much the gym calmed me down today. Hopefully, if I’m not dying under homework already, I can go tomorrow. I have a feeling tomorrow won’t be better than today. I’m dreading it. I’ll post a picture of what I’m wearing tomorrow in tomorrow’s post haha (do you guys like that? Or should I stop?). For dinner I got a “Bombay salad” from the restaurant across the gym. I got it because they make a “light” version of it for around 200 cals! Then I went back to the gym and burnt an extra 100 cals because I felt fat after I ate…oh, what a life! Negative calories today! (:
~baby steps~
Intake:
Calories:
Breakfast- Chai Tea:0 cals; with soy milk:32 cals
Lunch- Gingerbread cookies:61 cals
Dinner: Bombay Chicken Salad:188 cals
Excersize:
Walking, 35 min:139 cals burnt
Elliptical, 30 min:256 cals burnt
Stationary Bike, 20 min:57 cals burnt
Stretching, 5 min:10 cals burnt (lol)
Running, 15 min:149 cals burnt
Net: -331
Hell yeah! And my friend just asked me if I wanted to go to the gym tomorrow (: I like going alone more, but having company once in a while definitely can’t hurt!
{{It surprised me that my tracking app on my phone didn’t have treadmill under excersizes….whats up with that?!}}
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