Why am I living

Today was fine up until night time. My gym teacher from last year saw me in the hallway and said, 'lilly! Wow, i didn't even recognize you!' Fuck you gym teacher. Im the same fat lazy slob I was last year.

I feel like shit. I drowned in text books today for homework and I'm feeling dumb and inadequate and globby and like i can't do it anymore. I don't see the rays of sunshine anymore. Not even a glimmer. I just watch as I get fatter and fatter in front of the mirror. I watch as I try and fail at eating less for lunch. I can't do it. I can't. I don't want too. And it scares me. Im so lost and it's so scary. It's so hard. I feel so alone in a sea of happy people with smiling faces and I wonder why I can't be one of them instead. Why can't I be skinny happy content and normal.

I'm sick of seeing positive net numbers. Next week I will go to the gym as much as possible and try to get control of this out of hand situation. As long as I'm living I might as well try to be as skinny and small as I can before I go.

And as my stomach growls in the background, I sign off for sleep, wishing to sleep the next day straight through. I silence the cries by saying, 'my pants might be sagging, but their still a size 13.' Why am I so fat.

Why.......